The 50 days of lockdown were in many ways indistinct from each other. Once we got past the flurry of frantic preparation it was hard to keep track of which day it was, with the changeover from weekday to weekend no longer apparent, and no change of scene to replenish and refresh.
The days that, at the time, blended into one will be forever etched in our memory, and into that of our Nation's history.
Thursday March 26th: Day 1 of lockdown
Sunday March 29th: First NZ Death from Covid-19
Tuesday April 28th: NZ moves to Level 3
Thursday May 14th: NZ moves to Level 2
I know what day it is today. It is Monday the 18th of May and it is the day that my boys return to school. This day brings such mixed feelings; relief (we did it!), guilt (did I do enough?), joy (a quiet house again!), apprehension (will they be ok?), sadness (I miss their presence) and so, so many more. It is a day of all the feels.
I have such a huge list of things to get through today but instead I find myself reflecting on all that it has been, and how incredibly lucky that we are to be here, in NZ, to be in this position where we can send our children to school with as much confidence as we could hope for that they will be ok.
I also need to acknowledge that I am exhausted.
Not just tired exhausted but emotionally and mentally drained by the juggle of this chapter. From trying to do so much, and so little at the same time.
To find the right balance between the endless combination of variables that would benefit each member of my family.
To know that I dropped way too many balls, and to know that I have to find forgiveness for that.
To acknowledge the enormous gratitude for my family’s, and my country’s, health, while holding space for my loved ones who are overseas and not yet out of the woods.
To acknowledge that this is all still an unknown. That these “unprecedented times” are not over, that life as we knew it has changed, but yet so much remains the same.
My priorities are suddenly shining bright in the spotlight of my life. My family, our health, friends, hugs, love, warmth, connection. When so much felt like it had been stripped away came the realization that I have so much.
And I am so immensely grateful.
Especially for my three little rascals who snuggled their way through the mornings in my bed. Who challenged and delighted me. Who taught me how to teach and how to be taught. Who pushed me to my limits then drew me in with their compassion and understanding of my frustrations. Whose love for each other made so much of this feel ok. Whose desire to stay home with Mummy made me feel like all things considered, I did ok.
I did it. And so did they.